Coming to Visit & Selfishness

So I guess the last few days have been focused on getting my mom to come visit us. As I stated earlier, I went ahead and bought the tickets for her to come, and my husband is going to fly down and pick her up, but she keeps telling me she can only spend 2 days. Finally, I got her worked up to a week, but she keeps telling me she absolutely cannot stay for more than one week. It's really hard to hear that. I mean, she has two grandchildren that miss her. They don't understand all that is going on, all that they know is that they haven't seen their grandmother since last Christmas.

A few years ago, she would have been anxious and excited to spend time with us, now I feel like I'm pulling teeth to get her to come, and what does she have to do that is so important? Nothing. She has nothing going on, nothing planned. She wants to get back home so she can call people and try to get her license back. It's just awful. I wish she'd just let it go, but I understand why she isn't. She feels comfortable in her home, and she wants to be there, because that is where she feels safe I guess. I just miss her. Hopefully once she's here she'll change her mind and want to stay. We shall see.

On a side note, I went to the doctor yesterday and found out I have some medical issues I was unaware of. I told my mom the sugar coated version of what I found out, and she didn't seem to understand. She said in one sentence, "oh that's too bad honey, did you hear from the lawyer about my case yet?" It really upset me. I know she didn't mean to be insensitive, but it came across that way, and it really threw me for a loop. I keep telling myself I need to get used to it. Once she's gone, it's not like I'll have her to call and talk about every little life detail that goes on. It's just that for my entire life, she's been there for me. I could call her and ask her anything, from how long do you heat baby formula to what takes out grass stains to how to make potato soup. I came to realize that the thing I hate most about this disease is that I already don't have my mom to talk to anymore. We don't really talk, it's more me listening to her rant on about how sad she is. How angry she is, how upset she is. I don't have that security blanket of knowing she's there anymore, knowing she loves me. (Sure I know she loves me, but she can't express that in the same way anymore- if that makes sense.) I think the real thing I'm struggling with is the fact that she's already gone in some respect. It makes me angry too. It makes me mad at the world. Sure, I know it's selfish, but hey I lost my father at a young age, and I always sort of felt entitled to have my mom. In my mind, I always told myself that God would not take my mother from me, because he had my father. As an adult, I know the world doesn't work like that, but it got me through a lot as a kid. Now don't go thinking I'm mad at God, I'm not, but that was my logic for most of my childhood.

I just read that and it does sound selfish, but that's how I feel. She's here, but she's not here. That is the hardest part.

Finally, at my mom's request (2x today) I called her neighbor. She's a sweet woman who has lost 2 family members in the past year. She's been doing a lot for my mom, and she told me that she feels really bad for my mother. She said what the courts were doing to her wasn't right, and I should get it changed. She said she knew lots of people that had Alzheimer's that were 'way worse than my mother' who were still driving. I tried to explain a little of why my mom isn't, but I don't think she understood. I got the impression she felt like I wasn't doing what I should as her daughter. That I needed to 'fix' how the courts are treating my mother. It was a hard conversation to have, and I know she meant well. I just have to tell myself that it's good to know there is someone else looking out for my mom. She's such a sweet lady, my mom is lucky to have her next door.

Tomorrow is a new day.