Assisted Living & our move.

So first, Let me say that I've been playing with the idea of assisted living myself for years. I talked to my mom about her wishes before she got sick. We looked at what was out there. Two years ago, when she came to visit me, we went to an upscale assisted living community and took a tour. My mom wasn't impressed. She said she couldn't fathom living anywhere but her own house. I can't say I'd disagree with her. I mean, this place, it was nice. It was like a resort, but it was 5K a month. (YES A MONTH) and my mom doesn't need all that. She needs people, not a work out room. We eventually gave up on the idea of an inclusive ritzy retirement community (not that we could afford it anyway) and put my mom on the waiting list for a few income based retirement communities in the town I lived in. I thought this would be perfect for her, no yard to mow, no upkeep, just a small one bedroom condo in a nice area, close to us, across from the middle school, the boys could walk over and see her after school. The waiting list was 5 years for one, and 3-6 years for another. We filled out the paperwork and added her to the list. To clarify things; the retirement community was simply an apartment. The 5K/month assisted living community had nurses on staff, etc to take care of medical issues, including AD. But this was 2 years ago, before her diagnosis, and I didn't see that she needed 'assisted living' at that time.

After I realized that neither she nor I could afford anything fancy or 'assisted' close to where I was living at the time, my husband and I played around with the idea of moving back to the east coast and buying a home that had an in law apartment in it. We thought oh, we'll get a house with some land, build an apartment for my mom, and it will be better for everyone. This seemed to be the best thing for our family at the time. (Two years ago.) My husband also has a mother who is living in a income based retirement community here in New England. We thought either way, it would give us options for both of them. It took us a year to make the decision, and then a year to sell our house in one of the worst housing markets ever. Financially, not a great move for us, but for my mom, I felt like it was the best choice. Unfortunately, during those 2 years, things with my mom changed dramatically. By July of 2008, we were under contract with a home on the east coast, and we were planning to make one of the outbuildings an apartment for my mother. When we found out this would cost upwards of 100K due to structural problems, this plan didn't seem like such a great idea anymore. Other issues with the house made us change our mind and we decided to back out of the deal. Problem was, we had to be out of our home that had sold by July 30th, so we rented a home in the town we were going to by a house in on the east coast. We drove across the country, moving van in tow, it took us 7 days. I'll just say we are finally in New England, which is where my in-laws all live, but the town we picked was purely because it was where we were under contract. We don't know a soul here. I took a year leave from my job, my husband, transferred at our own expense to another site at his.

As a side note, not only did the original plan of having my mom move in with us now not seem like such a great idea, the doctor who evaluated my mother for AD called and spoke with me and stated that he felt it was more than I'd be able to handle at my mom's current state. He said she really needed to be in an environment where she could be monitored 24/7. What happens if she leaves the stove on? What happens if she wanders off while you are at work? These are all things you need to consider when dealing with someone with AD. Yes, she might be OK now, but when will she not be ok, and how will you know? These were things the doctor told me and they really made me think. Our original plan didn't seem so great after all.

I started to question myself. Could I handle her? Will she be safe? Will she put my family at risk? What do I do now? Does the doctor know what's best for her? Do I? Does the guardian team? Am I letting my emotions cloud my judgement? What does my mom want? Can she make an informed sane decision now. . not likely.